Gaze upon this picture, and tremble; the light sucking blackness of the bun on this fully operational battle sta fast food item is a sight enough to cast terror into the hearts of mere men, and probably most Jedi. Darth Vader gazes at you calmly as the Emperor pats the combo meal bag on his lap. “You want this, don’t you?” And if you’re sane, the answer is HELL no. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you- that is the actual bun on a French Quick Star Wars burger. Don’t get too excited and start looking for holiday villas in France just yet: this bizarre creation was a limited time offer to coincide with the release of Star Wars: Episode 1 in 3D about a year ago. But it makes you wonder: where does the promotional movie tie in on food items cross the line? For me, I’d say it’s somewhere around the point where I’m fairly certain that I could still get one of these burgers, solely because it looks like the bun has to sit out in the open for a year or so to be like that. This is NOT the burger I’m looking for.
The Quick Star Wars Burger: Get Your Filthy Midichlorians Out of My Food
I don’t know. The more I look at this thing, the more I wonder what the hell is wrong with us as a species. We’ve taken one of the most beautifully delicious foods of all time, and then purposely made it look like it’s been made with melted crayon, because the power of the words ‘the dark side’ is stronger than a force choke. I feel like if you ate this burger, you would likely be shitting out strange black space poops for a week. I love Star Wars, but I feel like the introduction of something as sinister as this particular Star Wars burger really underlines the seedy underbelly of promotional marketing. It’s too bad you can’t just jet off to France for a vacation any time you want, because I want someone to check and see if someone could find me one on the…black market.
Were you one of the (un)lucky ones to eat this abomination? Please email me and tell me what tar and sandpaper tastes like. Bear in mind that Quick– the fast food chain that masterminded the Star Wars burger- offers other gross things in the vacuum left by its explosion. Like the Quick n’ Foie : a delicious hockey puck of quasi-fast foie gras on your happy meal!
If you missed the presence of this Star Wars burger, like me, here is a dual congratulatory/consolation ridiculous Star Wars junk food tie in as an added bonus:
Epilogue
While writing this, I nearly exploded from trying to quash all the terrible Star Wars jokes, as if millions of puns suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. For those of you with an absolutely terrible sense of humor, or who are strangely sadistic, these are for you. If you don’t get them, you haven’t watched Star Wars enough, and there’s still hope for you to be a productive person who doesn’t eat charcoal briquettes because George Lucas told you to.
- They’ll be back, and in greater flavors.
- Watch your mouth, kid, or you’ll be eating one of these.
- I don’t care what you smell!
- I’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee.
- I’ve got a very bad feeling about this.
- I find your lack of taste disturbing.
- And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!
