Bizarre Melting Leggings for Men and Women

Now, I think it’s been proven that I don’t entirely understand high fashion. So when I saw these melting leggings made of latex, I immediately wondered why you’d want to look like you peed yourself in technicolor. I mean, I do get the ideas behind why we attach old banana peels to our cravats and create patterned fabric out of x-rays of our mother’s hernias to push the design envelope. Unfortunately- no matter how hard I try- more often than not, I just end up picturing Mugatu’s Derelicte campaign and I’m just hoping that we’re not training a generation of sharply dressed assassins with garbage. Largely because I really don’t think any of this is dressing sharply, unless we’re using that term like in reference to cheese. Pungent, if you will.

Melting Leggings: Because Fashion Dictates You Leak From Under Your Clothing

I’ll get this out of the way now: I do think that process used to create these tights is pretty awesome. Taking latex and melting and coating it down someone’s legs is extremely unique, and could be used in a lot of exciting ways. But, since no man really cares too too much about making sure he’s avant-garde so hard that he literally looks like he’s melting, we’ll just focus on the pieces that already exist. They’re a full line of tights and melting leggings by a company called URB- and don’t worry men: they have a masculine set of leggings and sport socks. You too can be melllllltiiiiiinnnnnng, mmmmeeeeellllllllltinnnnng!

Now, I have to admit, I started running a bias as soon as I looked at the mens’ collection consisting of man skirts, man dresses, and that delightfully playful cropped sweater. The “my clothes don’t fit because I borrowed some of them from my mom’s funeral wear” collection just doesn’t do it for me, and reminds me of Thom Browne’s ridiculous line from early last year. Being finished means working towards being fit, healthy, confident, and being accepting of culturally evolving gender roles. However, getting finished means you have to realize when enough is a god damn nuff and enjoy your masculinity by not wearing a skirt.

Especially not a skirt with leggings that make it look like you jizzed all over yourself in copious amounts. Seriously, sheer volume may often be tossed about as an indicator of manly man man-ness, but the fact that it looks as though it is dripping out from under your skirt is gross and will undermine any attempts to  convince people that you are a hell of a guy.

A majority of these tights are for women, and while in theory are adorable and glittery and bright, the fact remains that something looks like it’s pouring out of your underpants. Now, without too delving too far of the realm of “WTF- How could you even type that without vomiting?” I think that it is fair to say that men could certainly gauge women on whether or not they appear to be gushing from their nether regions as an indicator of attractiveness. Why on Earth could URB not just have made a long sleeved shirt for layering or something? (Patent pending.)

It’s a sad day when I realize that I would happily take someone pouring neon, toxic looking strings of goop from their armpits, over having streams of glittering sludge seemingly running down their thighs from whatever mysterious apparatus is shrouded under their clothing. Regardless, please enjoy these photos of women and men with slime oozing out of their pants! Want a pair? The melting leggings range from $50-60 and take about a week to make. Bonus points if you try to make your own at home and do something awesome like scald your junk with hot latex or inadvertently wax yourself alllllll the way down. Double bonus points if you just continue on with your day and forget these ever existed.