At the beginning of the year, I traveled with my girlfriend to Belize on a journey that would test our endurance – both physically and mentally – and our capacity to withstand the onslaught of shitty lodging that Belize has to offer, both on the mainland, and out on the keys. Though I’m certain that many of the hotels and hostels available on Caye Caulker are wonderful, I assure you that De Real Macaw isn’t one of them. Let me explain…
Have you ever wanted to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of your significant other shitting? Have you ever woken up and said “you know, my bathroom is just too large, I really wish I had one so small that a legless child can hardly fit?”. If you answered yes to either of these questions, and want to experience the exhilaration that comes with fearing for your life, De Real Macaw is the place to stay! If I had to sum this place up in one word, that word would be “depressing”. The rooms are small, which isn’t unreasonable given the price, but the in-suite bathroom (and I do mean in-suite) lends itself well to the prison like nature of the rooms. At one point the owner must have decided that a 3/4 wall around the bathroom would suffice, and so it was. Want some privacy? Forget it. The toilet may as well be sitting in the middle of the room.
At night was when the real fun would begin, though. Exhausted from your day of fun and adventure in Caye Caulker, you could come home to the enchanting sound of wild dogs and random clacks against the flimsy wooden door. If you’re not listening to the sound of a leaky toilet, there’s always every other manner of barking, crying, or yelling. Before we slept, we decided to use one of the two uncomfortable beds to block the door, lest someone smash through the balsa-wood frame and do terrible unspeakable things to us.
De Real Macaw On Caye Caulker
This photo shows just how close the bathroom actually is. See that wide gap at the top there? Yeah, doesn’t really work so well for the whole bathroom thing.
If you want a night cold drink after doing your business, this mini-fridge is conveniently located beside your bed, aka beside the bathroom.
Shit son, free rain water? Sign me up. If only every place offered this kind of service.
When you leave, don’t forget to leave a tip. You know how when you’re in Europe you need to pay to use the bathroom? This is kind of like that, but you also live in the bathroom.
Now, I usually like to end my reviews with a few token bits of positive qualities, but I think I made a mental note to forgo that after I saw the in-suite tip jar, or the note proclaiming that the accommodations include FREE RAIN WATER! Gee golly, how can you beat that? Excellent value if you ask me. A person could use that to help wash down a cyanide capsule after spending a night here.
