If you’re in a place where you’re needing to get over a tough breakup, it can be challenging, indeed, getting over someone you have loved and potentially lost can bring up all sorts of hidden emotions to the surface – some of which will be due to the situation, whilst others are likely to be more internal to you as a person.
Interestingly, the majority of time people will seek help from a counselor is before, during or after a breakup which validates how much of an emotional trigger these times can be for people. This means that if you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you’re almost going crazy due to a breakup, you’re not alone, and most people feel some very intense feelings as part of the breakup process.
There are a number of challenges in terms of getting over a tough breakup and we’re going to look at some coping methods below, but first, it’s important to tap into a really important point about the the fallacy of sunk cost. This principle essentially states that we often put more and more into something we know isn’t working because we have already invested; let’s take the example of a car to better explain this and how it pertains to relationships.
Imagine you have a car that you’ve had for a number of years, you might have invested several hundred if not thousands of dollars into keeping it running – and even though you know the car might be falling apart and has some deep issues, you keep spending money, as you’ve already spent so much on maintenance it would seem unwise to “waste” all that you have put in so far.
Similarly, people that set up a business which ends up hemorrhaging money often find themselves putting more and more cash into the business, preferring to keep it afloat, rather than close down and jump ship – because of the emotional attachment they have to the venture, and the feeling that they don’t want to “waste” what they have invested so far, and therefore they’ll put up with the consequences of a failing business, rather than close that chapter and start anew.
This is much the same as with relationships. We invest a lot of time, effort and love into people, and in doing so, we have a hope that we will get a return on our investment in perpetuity; meaning, the majority of people in serious relationships are not in a relationship with a view to it being finite – they consider it a lifetime investment, and when things aren’t going well, just like a failing business, they keep on putting more and more into it, rather than take a step back and see this isn’t really working out for them and that perhaps their energy might be better focused elsewhere.
This is the fallacy of sunk cost, and it’s what keeps many people stuck in the painful state of loss following a breakup, rather than the more empowering state of embracing the change as a positive in their lives that now frees them to find something much more fulfilling.
Of course, it’s a process, and whilst you’re going through the process it can be emotionally draining – so here are three ways to help you get over a tough break-up:
SHIFT YOUR FOCUS
We often find ourselves getting consumed by a situation, and a person, particularly if they are the one to break up with us. In this sense, we focus so much on the situation and the other person that we get caught up in our thoughts, almost trapped in a prison of rumination where we can’t eat, sleep or focus on anything other than our feelings for this person.
However, energy flows where attention goes – so rather than dwelling on the relationship, try to focus your attention on something more productive.\
KEEP BUSY
We all know that we need to keep busy during tough times like this, in order to keep our mind off that person or our inner thoughts, but it can be tough when you are feeling in such low mood as a result of a breakup. You must, however, fight through the temptation to stay in bed all day and get out into the world; get around other people, exercise, and try to do things that lift your spirits – either through contribution or comedy.
REMEMBER THE REALITY
It’s very easy to look back on past relationships with rose tinted glasses, focusing mostly on the good things, what you miss, and what you have lost… yet, by keeping a firm grip of reality in terms of what the experience was really like and having a balanced view, will help you to come to the perspective that this could, in some ways, be a positive thing and prepare you for the new relationship that’s waiting just around the corner.
