Grow the f*ck up Already! A Rant About Dressing Like an Adult

I’m a curmudgeon. I like to stay in doors most nights, read quietly, and enjoy a nice hot cup of coffee. I think it’s beyond rude to be a bother in public, like skateboarding in a heavy pedestrian area. I laugh every time a child falls on their face when using “heelys.” I am 25 years old, and yell at people who let their dogs poop in my yard without cleaning it up. I want everyone to simply stop it! But most of all, I want people my age to stop it most!

I see you guy, walking in your cargo shorts and your sweet Ewok shirt with all the colors. No, no one can tell that you’re balding already, and yea you can totally pull off the skater look. I mean yea, so you rolled your ankle last week on your long board and your back is sore today, you don’t always have to BE on the board man. I’m also sure parents don’t mind you being at the skate park with their children! I mean sure, you have a mustache, but so does Burt Reynolds and he’s like the most trusted guy in America! Besides, you’re like 27, and totes a responsible adult brah!

You aren’t 22 Anymore… I’m Sorry.

Hey girl, those are some sweet booty shorts from Forever 21 that you’re wearing! No, I get it. It says “Pink” because  28 years old? MORE LIKE 28 YEARS YOUNG! AMIRITE!? Of course we should all go out to that college bar! I bet we have a lot in common with everyone. Like how we all just moved out of our parents house! Also, that Tinker Bell tattoo you got it totally rocking, because like you’re high-maintenance and stuff. Trust me girl, guys love it when you come coated in that layer of glittery body butter, and of course you don’t look like a stripper…. Yet.

It’s time to start Dressing like an Adult

Please…. Please… If this relates to you stop it. If it relates to a friend, then stop them. If it relates to a family member, move far away and forget about them. Now can we all start acting like real adults now. This cutesy bullshit wore thin when we were 21, and nobody really likes it except for those Snooki lovin Jershey Shore douchebags who wear bedazzled tigers on their fucking shirts.

None of us wants to “grow old”, but it’s a natural part of living, and we can do so with poise and grace. Unfortunately for some people, part of that process means learning to dress appropriately for ones age. Hell, it may even help you find a woman. So when that time comes, do so knowing that you really don’t have much of a choice, and perhaps you can hand down your old clothes to a younger generation. Consider it a sort of… passing of the torch. One generation of board short wearing folk to the next.

[Photos by Brian Smith, The Drunken Clam, Unknown, and Unknown]