The Clever Man’s Guide to Cold Calling

If you’ve ever worked at a company that requires selling, chances are you’ve been asked to do some telemarketing to “help boost sales”. The worst kind of telemarketing being the cold call, especially when it’s you who has to do it. Perhaps your boss finally noticed that sales were slumping, or perhaps he or she just hates you; whatever the reason, cold calling is a horrific soul-wrecking nightmare and should be avoided at all costs. I say this from experience. You know those people who call you during dinner time, or when you’re banging your girlfriend? Yeah, you’ll be one of those guys. No one likes a cold caller.

How To “Cold Call” Like A Champ

1. Instead of using the phone to place calls, tell your boss that you’re using an online service, such as Google Voice. You can explain that making the calls online saves money, and that using a headset makes it easier for you to make more calls. More importantly, your boss won’t know you aren’t actually calling, because he can’t see the outbound calls on the regular phone system. You can put on your headset and listen to your favorite songs, instead of the clacking of people hanging up on you.
2. Your boss may ask you to keep a list of who you’ve called, the date, and a summary of what they had to say. This is perfect, because like all documents, you can just write nonsense. The time it takes you to write a bunch of bullshit will be far less than if you had actually placed the calls, leaving you valuable time to do other things, such as find a new job.
3. If you get stuck actually having to call a customer, make the best of it and tell them complete lies. You’ll probably never speak to them anyway, and you’ll both get enjoyment out of the exchange. Common examples would be “Our prices are twice as good as the competition.” and “We strive to provide the best customer service in our industry!“
4. Always end the call with a promise (read: threat) to call back soon and speak with them again. Strangers love hearing that you plan to call them back and harass them. If you play your cards right, they’ll start screening your calls.

You know, you’re lucky for reading this. You could have gone on with your life, actually calling people, trying to make sales like a chump. It’s sad really, but I think I can help you. If you’re willing to put morals and dignity aside, follow my suggestions and enjoy the warm feeling of evading senseless phone calls, or at least enjoying the activity by making a complete joke of it. The customers’ reactions will be worth it alone, and you’ll do your part towards bringing down a company which lacks the good grace to leave people alone.