It’s now February, and like most people around this time, I’ve been struggling with my New Years resolution. I ate far too much of Nana’s traditional Christmas Lasagna (don’t ask) and packed on the pounds.
Normally this is something that wouldn’t bother me, except I find myself in the unusual position of having an extremely attractive girlfriend. Honestly, she needs to have a statue of her person placed in a church because the work she’s doing by dating me is a great and charitable act. I honestly feel like I should write the pope or something. All that aside though, I’m here to share with you a few tips on weight loss. I can vouch on this personally, as I’ve lost a good 20 lbs in two weeks. Just please consult a doctor, and possible a therapist, before starting this regiment.
Why eat food, when you can swallow your emotions?
Now listen you guys, we’re going to do this one on an honor system. I plan on turning this thing into a sweet ass book once I can afford good lawyers to protect me from all of the litigation I’m sure to experience. In my, patent pending, extreme weight loss methodology we combine intense workouts and couple them with extreme emotional damage to get an exponential burn. This way we can tackle your lay about lifestyle, and murder that appetite with stress.
1. You could always eat that second slice of pizza, or you could remember all the times your father missed your little league games.
Really though, any childhood wound will due in this scenario. Maybe your mother didn’t come to your play, because you looked like a chunky sausage in that costume. Perhaps your grandfather constantly referred to your size as “healthy”, while attempting to conceal his obvious disgust. Just look on back at your life, as any one of a million disappointments will do. Now run a mile and drink a glass of warm water. Oh, and speaking of running.
2. You really can run from your problems, just like all your loved ones run away from you.
Seriously though, running is a great way to stay in shape and something that we were evolutionarily selected for. In fact, the most common form of ancient hunting was known as Persistence Hunting, where a select group of tribes men would literally chase something until its heart exploded. Just imagine that, chasing after a deer through the thick brush. It easily outsprints the human attackers and decides to rest and take a drink. Then there they are. Again. Running at the deer. So the deer once again sprints, and decides it’s time to take a nap. Oh, what’s this, the hunters again? Like a scene ripped right out of The Predator they come running again. So the deer sprints, and sprints, and then collapses and dies. Bad-ass right? You’d probably starve in that society, which honestly is a problem you could stand to experience. Which brings us to:
3. A carton of ice cream is always delicious, and the cylindrical shape is convenient for trying to fill that hole in your heart.
You’re probably ready to give up at this point, and why shouldn’t you? You’ve given up on everything else in your life! Unless of course, a stunning wardrobe comprised of sweat pants has always been your dream. In which case, BRAVO! You’ve finally made it! Now go ahead and eat that last cookie in the box. You wouldn’t want it to suffer from the same abandonment issues you have!
All kidding aside though (and I am just kidding, please don’t do anything drastic) life changes, such as weight loss, come down to how comfortable you are. I was comfortable eating a whole pizza and downing a six pack. I was comfortable lazing around and watching movies. I was comfortable working my same $10/hr job year in and year out. I was comfortable being alone. It wasn’t until I got uncomfortable that I went out and made changes happen, in my professional, and my personal life. So don’t be afraid to be a little uncomfortable every now and again. It might just change your life.
